As for YOU, follow me!

18“I tell you the truth, when you were young, you were able to do as you liked; you dressed yourself and went wherever you wanted to go. But when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and others#

21:18 Some manuscripts read and another one. will dress you and take you where you don’t want to go.” 19Jesus said this to let him know by what kind of death he would glorify God. Then Jesus told him, “Follow me.”

20Peter turned around and saw behind them the disciple Jesus loved—the one who had leaned over to Jesus during supper and asked, “Lord, who will betray you?” 21Peter asked Jesus, “What about him, Lord?”

22Jesus replied, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? As for you, follow me.” John 21: 18-22

As I sat in church today, listening to the sermon, my pastor touched briefly on this set of verses. His sermon, wasn't on this set of verses, but he read them and made a point on them that hit me square in the face. As Jesus and Peter are having this conversation, we see that Jesus is asking Peter to feed His sheep three times, the same amount of times that Peter denied Jesus that night He died. That is the point that I most often pull from this section of scripture, Jesus forgave Peter, and then Peter went on to be the "cornerstone" of His church. It's a beautiful story of redemption and grace, right? Well, yes it is; but there is more to this story as well. Today, as I sat listening, my pastor pointed to the ENDING of that section of scripture. The part where it appears that Peter is hurt enough by what Christ has said to him, both the fact that he said it three times, and the death that he laid out for Peter; that Peter wants someone else to be uncomfortable as well. He wants someone else to be told that they won't have an easy life, that they too, will die in unpleasant ways. He turns to another disciple and says, hey what about this dude (my paraphrase of course!)? What's HIS life going to look like huh? Jesus has the typical parent answer doesn't he? In verse 22, Jesus says "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? As for you, follow Me." There are a few small differences between a typical parent response and this one, for one Jesus didn't say it JUST to get the child to stop asking Him questions, He said it with a purpose beyond that. Jesus was telling Peter, in his own way, that what he had planned for another person was none of Peter's business. The other disciple's life was between that disciple and God. But Jesus also brought Peter back to the point of the conversation; He said as for YOU, follow me. 

As I sat in my seat listening this morning, I was struck by this. You see, I am in direct sells, and that can be a very competitive business to be in. Lately this business has been hard on me. I have felt some things haven't gone the way I wanted, or even unfairly. This week, I've struggled with bitterness about some aspects of things relating to this. I had been praying, and asking for prayer to help me "get over myself" but was just dwelling in it. What my pastor said this morning, about it not being Peter's business; was really God saying that to me. It's none of my business how God is going to chose to bless another person in this business, it is none of my business how successful another person may be in a certain amount of time. The only thing that IS my business is how I conduct myself in this business and how receive MY blessings from Christ. 

After all, Jesus ended His comment with as for YOU, follow me. What does that mean? In the case of Peter, that meant he had to deal with a lot of strife and a pretty horrible death; but it also meant that he lead thousands of people to Christ, got to witness the beginnings of Christianity and preformed miracles in the name of Jesus Christ! In my case, it means to listen to where God is leading me, both in my business and in my personal life. It means that I really hand over my feelings of hurt and discouragement and let others have moments of victory and happiness. My life isn't written out for us like Peter's has been, so I don't know exactly what it looks like for me, but I plan to follow Him so that I can find out!

keep walking....

Proverbs 16:9
     " 9 We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps."




     I have experience with this verse, what seems like a lot of experience. A few years ago, I started this journey on learning patience and it seems that some lessons have to repeat themselves...a lot!

     While my blogging journey on patience started a few years ago, that actual journey is a life long one. If I look back on my life, I realize that God has to teach me about patience many ways and many times. My husband and I are getting ready to celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary this year, and let me tell you it's been an adventure! When we first got married, the lessons on patience stemmed around getting to really know each other and listen to one another, then it was learning to live with one another (or even myself at times) in new situations. In our first 5 years of marriage we moved to three different states and four different houses. So just about the time I'd start to learn a lesson in patience...a new living situation would present itself and I'd have to start my lesson all over again.

     That last move in the first five years was from Michigan to Oklahoma. If you aren't familiar with those two states...they aren't close to one another. My husband and I knew it was time to try and finish our degrees and we knew that we wouldn't be able to do that in Michigan, so we started praying about where God wanted us to go. We decided to pray separate from each other for a period of time and see what God had to say to each of us individually. At the end of this time we got back together and talked about our time with God. As it turned out, we both heard the same thing, it doesn't matter what you chose I will make it work for you. So that started our journey to OKC.

     Not only did our journey to a new state start then, but my first obvious lesson in Proverbs 16:9 started too. God clearly told us that we could chose either option, so we chose...and promptly were thrown in to a situation where we had zero money and zero family anywhere near us. We lived VERY tightly for awhile and learned some awesome lessons on money management (that we are trying to live by today). The thing it took me nearly 7 years to realize that I'd learned during that time, is that God determined our steps. WE made the plans, but GOD determined those steps. Things did not turn out the way we thought they were going to. We had to struggle, per God's plan, and learn things the hard way.

     Fast forward seven years and it seems we are, once again, having to learn this same lesson the hard way. We prayed about moving to Indiana last year and felt the same answer in our hearts, God has got this and we can either stay or go, it was up to us. We chose family and "home" (for me). So we packed up our lives, yet again, and made our journey home. Once we got here, things felt much the same as they did when we first moved to OKC only here we had the added stress of family. Let me explain. When we got married we moved to a different state and town that neither of us had grown up in and no family lived in. For 11 1/2 years we lived away from any family...far away for 7 years...and had to learn to make it on our own. We learned this, and now we are back in the fold of a very close knit family, so we have to learn how to function within that family again. If you've ever spent time away from a family this close and then came back to it...well let me just say it's not easy!

     My husband and I constantly feel like we made the wrong choice in coming home. If we were still in OKC, we'd have better paying jobs (granted I would HAVE a job there and no one has hired me here), friends and security. We play the "what if" game a lot, and it seems we are on the losing end of that game. This game can also make you very bitter. Then there is God, what does He have planned for us? What should our next steps be? I question myself and God a lot lately.

     Then I came across this verse in my reading and it struck me. It struck me two ways actually. I'm not sure which of these ways the author intended but I think both can apply. The first way, and the way I normally see this verse, was that the author intended us to see that we can THINK we are making all our own choices but God is going to make sure HIS will is done (not in a bad way...I thought and thought about how to type that, and I can't make it come out right.) For instance, "I'm going to live life for myself...drugs, parties, whatever I want" but God still guides my steps. The second way, and the way that feels like it applies to me today, is that we can make choices, be they good or bad ones, and God still loves us, His will still enfolds us. Free will gives us the option of choice. We get to make choices, but we have to live with those choices. Just as in the time we moved to OKC; no matter what choices we made at that time; God was telling us it was ok. We were going to have to learn the same lessons no matter which one we chose!

     I think that I sometimes want to make God into my choice maker. I pray; Lord lead me...when what I really mean is, Lord DO this for me, I don't want to! I say "I want to be in Your will" when what I really mean is "make me a robot in this...that way if it fails I can blame You." These are not popular words I'm sure, but they are true. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way, right? I mean surely other people will "talk out of both sides of their mouths" too?

     Now I just have to learn how to MEAN that I want to be in His will and be an active part of that relationship. How to I move from "make the choice for me so I can blame You if it fails" to "ok God, I made this choice and it seems to have failed now please help me to move on"? I honestly have no idea. Every way that I can think to pray this just seems to sound the same in my head. I do NOT want to blame God for this, because blame isn't the right feeling. It should be a feeling of leaning on Him to guide me...not blame Him. I know, for now, that I have to just trust blindly but I also know that having that 20/20 hindsight will make it a lot easier to see my lessons in the long run.

     Thank you Jesus for helping me to see that you WILL determine my steps and that it will be for my good and to learn more of the lessons I need to learn.

The dry field rejoice.

Habakkuk 3:17-18
      "17 Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the locks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, 18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!"

      A dear friend sent this to me as a verse of the day yesterday, and he sent a translation with it "Even when stuff is crazy, He has a plan at work. Keep your head up." He sent this as a mass text, not intended for me alone; but his verse and translation were something I needed to hear, in fact, something I need to hear daily.

      I really have no idea what God has up His sleeves for my family right now. We seem to be living in a limbo land. I mentioned, in an earlier post, that I still am without a job nearly seven months after starting a search. My husband found a job, but isn't making enough money to support us. We've gone thorough a lot of "trials" in the last year, and we thought we were following God's will for our lives. Seven months later we find ourselves questioning that thought. Did we REALLY do what God wanted us too? Was it HIS voice we heard, or just our wants?

      I can't answer any of these questions, and circumstances would say that it was, indeed, the wrong choice to make. I do, however, know that my God is good, and He DOES have a plan for our lives. Having these thoughts run through my head, has forced me to confront another idea. 

      Who are we to say that God's plan was this or that? I mean really; how do we know that we "didn't follow His will"? I've begun to understand that thinking that way is, essentially, putting God in a box isn't it? That kind of thinking implies that God's will can never change; and while I believe that is true, I also believe that our choices can change the way said will comes about. That is where that box comes in. Who am I to say that God can't change the way an event comes about?

      The Bible is full of stories of sinners; who even in their sin, were a big part of God's plans. Let's look at David; he was an adulterer and murderer; yet God called him "a man after God's own heart." Paul denied Jesus three times the night He was killed; yet Jesus told him he'd be the rock that His Church was built on. The list goes on and on...and I know that these people were just that...people. If God can take them, and the choices they made, and make something awesome of them; I know He can do the same with me and the choices I've made too. 

      I like the hope in these verses too, the part that says "18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!". The first verse seems so bleak, and then the author comes back with such hope and faith. Yep, there it is again...that faith that I seem to struggle so much with . This author has faith that his Savior will save him. That no matter what happens to him HE. WILL. REJOICE. How powerful those words can be if we would just live them in our lives. If I could learn to rejoice, and not just go through the motions of rejoicing; but ACTUALLY rejoice in all things; how amazing my life could be! 

      I've got rejoicing when times are good down pat! I can "dace like David danced" with the best of them when my finances are secure and life is going well. It's when I'm in the valley's that dancing doesn't seem like such a great idea or rejoicing in my God is too hard. 

      So it looks like I might have another "next step" in this great journey of learning faith. I need to learn to rejoice at all times, to dance with wild abandon even when I'm not sure how we will pay for groceries next week; to sing praise when the car starts doing strange things and to just trust that God does, indeed, "got this". To that dear friend who texted me yesterday; thank you for helping me see something God's been trying to get me to see for awhile!

The Slow Change...

Luke 22:42
      42“Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

      I am sure we've all been there, in a place where we really, REALLY don't want to do something. In that place where it all feels like it's crashing down on us at one time, or in that place we know will be painful. I've been there, in fact, I am there now. Do you know what I want to do? Tuck tail and run! I want to be as far away from this "pain" as possible, but I know that I can't just run from everything that will hurt to learn or go though. I know that somehow this will make me a better person, and maybe even give me insight to help someone else through something in the future. Alas, "knowing" something and actually "doing" something are two very different things aren't they? 

      I know at times I've read my Bible just looking for an excuse to not do something that I know I'm being lead to do...or a reason why something is happening to me, and not found any answers. I have discovered a lesson in that; you can't make the Bible say what you want it to say when you'd like it to say it. I can honestly say that I've found, in those times, that more often then not I end up finding verses that tell me the opposite of what I'm trying to "hear".  I've found that I really need to pray about hearing God's plan's for me; instead of trying to make the Bible fit my plans for me. That is not easy!

      In my adult life a pattern has started to develop, a pattern that points towards tendencies to want things done a certain way...you know, MY way! That's not to say that I find other people's way wrong, because if I did, I wouldn't spend near the time on Pintrest looking for new ideas on how to do things that I do! What I am saying is that I like my routines, I like to do the same thing the same way every time. I want everything in it's place (and I really want my husband to want the same thing!) and I want my daily routine to be pretty much the same as it was the day before, and the day before that as well. But two things have happened in my life to mess all that up, first I became a mother and second I moved in with my mom. I have dreamed of this time in my life for years, planned how I'd raise my children and how I wouldn't raise them. Then I actually HAD a child and most of that went out the window! 

      I've learned a valuable lesson in just 12 short months: Children are individuals who can not just be entered into your routines; they want to develop their own routines! I learned another valuable lesson in six long months: Adults that have lived for several decades can not simply be pushed into my routines either. I love my mom and I love that Jantz's Nanna is so near; but I want my own space again! I want it so bad I can taste it, and worse I keep finding houses to "taste" that freedom in...but with a lack of job I can't reach that freedom.

      All that to say, this morning when I was reading the above passage in Luke, it struck me, Jesus didn't want to be that sacrificial Lamb, but He knew it was God's will for His life to be so. I am, in no way, comparing myself to Jesus here; but I do feel I can identify with wanting this "burden", this jobless state and confined living quarters, to be lifted from me. I can take heart is this "human" aspect of my Savior. 

      Then I read the words He said with His very next breath. "Yet I want Your will to be done, not mine." Well crap! That is NOT what I wanted to read, I wanted to read how this prayer changed everything and Jesus no longer had to be the Lamb! Instead I am granted the insight of His life and how He struggles but, in the end, He wants nothing more then His Father's will. 

      How do I get from "TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!" to "Your will and not my own"? That is where I sit today. I sit here thinking "humph, but I really just wanted Him to wave a magic wand and everything would be all better....waaaahhh!" But I know that isn't how ANYTHING works really, but especially not God. I know He gave us free will and that means we have to make our own choices and deal with the repercussions. I find myself looking to Jesus as an example on how to move from one thought process to the other. What was different about Him then other people? I mean besides the obvious no sin thing? I think His pattern of alone time with God, prayer time with God and a group of men to discuss His thoughts with might be a start. I do not have 12 people following me around every day, but I do have an awesome husband who is willing to talk over ideas and thoughts with me; even if those ideas are way outside of the box! I don't really have the ability to go to a mountain and pray by myself, but I do have a bed that is quite and a God willing to listen at all times. I may have a toddler running around me and distractions galore, but that doesn't mean I can't spend time reading the Word or just being quite with God. I need to take those opportunities and run with them.

     When I first moved back home, I neglected all of my "God" routines. I stopped reading my Bible, I only prayed when it was convenient for me and this blog (a huge learning time for me) was all but non existent in my life for a year. Slowly but surely, the Lord has been breaking through my fog, He's been calling and I've started listening to Him. It started with prayer time and crying out to Him, which it still is. I try to start my prayer time with thanksgiving...but most of the time it's just lamenting and whining that comes out of my mouth! And one day, God gently reminded me that both my Nooks and my computer have YouVersion on them, and YouVersion has reading plans built right into the app. So my morning routine of reading the Bible started to show back up. Just like every other time I've restarted reading His Word, my days got better. Now with my blog up and running again I feel like I might just be heading towards the "not my will but His" attitude. 

     Notice I said heading, not arrived? That's right, I'm not there yet; I still want to sit and complain about my situation, instead of even lean towards contentment in it. I have to remember every day that prayer of Jesus's in the garden; NOT MY WILL BUT YOURS, NOT MY WILL BUT YOURS. It has to be a daily chant in my life, both for now and what appears to be forever. Thank you God for being so understanding of my slow progress and for continuing to remind me of the "next steps" in my faith! 

"And now you know...the REST of the story"

     
      John 21: 7 "7Then the disciple Jesus loved said to Peter, “It’s the Lord!” When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put on his tunic (for he had stripped for work), jumped into the water, and headed to shore."

      John 21:15-18 "
15 After breakfast Jesus asked Simon Peter,“Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” Peter replied, “you know I love you.” “Then feed my lambs,” Jesus told him. 16 Jesus repeated the question:“Simon son of John, do you love me?” “Yes, Lord,” Peter said, “you know I love you.” “Then take care of my sheep,” Jesus said. 17 A third time he asked him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt that Jesus asked the question a third time. He said, “Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Then feed my sheep. 18“I tell you the truth, when you were young, you were able to do as you liked; you dressed yourself and went wherever you wanted to go. But when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and others will dress you and take you where you don’t want to go.”

      I have heard several sermon's preached on these passages, wonderful sermon's about forgiveness and mercy. I have enjoyed listening to them and taking them to heart though out my life, but as I sat listening to another sermon on grace and forgiveness from this passage; I felt that "still small voice" talking to my soul. Sometimes I doubt that voice, think it's all in my head; but every once in awhile I feel it and really listen to what it is saying. 

      That voice told me, on this particular day, that there are two stories going on here. The commonly preached one about Peter receiving Jesus's forgiveness after having denied Him three times the night of His death, and a second one that I'd never really thought of before that day.

      As I was listening, it suddenly dawned on me that, in verse 7; once Peter was told that it was the Lord, he was instantly in the water racing to be with him. Those do not sound like the actions of someone who is in need of forgiving, those sound like the actions of someone who's BEEN forgiven. If that's the case, then why did the Lord ask three times (the same number of times Peter denied Him) if he loved Him? As I sat pondering that question that still small voice nudged me and said, maybe I asked him because it wasn't PETER that needed to know he was forgiven, but the other disciples around Peter that knew what he'd done.

      Wait, what? So this story wasn't JUST for Peter, but maybe it was for the others as well? Sometimes that voice can be very frustrating because it will give me an idea and leave me to reach a conclusion on my own. As I was pondering this new idea, I found that it made a lot of sense to me. 

      I've heard several times stories about "mature" Christians making life extremely difficult for those newer to faith, or without that faith at all. I can say that I've even participated in those stories a time or two. How many times have we, as Christians, found fault in our fellow man? How many times have we pointed the finger and said that persons guilt is too big to do this or that? The Bible is full of examples of God using the "under dog" to be the hero of the story, sinners like us. Sometimes I think we just tend to gloss over the fact that those people sinned; or think that since they were in the Bible it's different. Even Jesus hung out with the sinners, saying in Matthew 9: 11-12 "11 But when the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with such scum?” 12 When Jesus heard this, he said, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do.” So is it such a stretch to think that Jesus needed to show all the disciples around Him that not only had He forgiven Peter but that He still stood by His statements recorded earlier in Matthew, chapter 16 verse 18 "18 Now I say to you that you are Peter (which means ‘rock’), and upon this rock I will build my church, and all the powers of hell will not conquer it. "? 

      I grew up in the church, and I have discovered that, at times, this has hindered my growth instead of making it easier for me. I have heard the stories of the Bible told over and over, but have I thought beyond the common applications? I know that I struggle with character stories sometimes, identifying with the "wrong" person; the older son in the Prodigal son story, Martha in the Martha and Mary story, but does this only apply to those stories? Could it be that as I dig deeper into the Word, and live longer in the world that these stories can teach me a different lesson? 

      As a newer Christian, I would need to know that God forgave me; that His mercies are new every day; but as an older Christian; isn't it equally important for me to learn that God forgives others too, that He may use them in a "bigger" way then He'll use me? Even if this person is a "bigger" sinner then me? That is a very tough concept to swallow, but one I need to swallow in order to grow. I need to see that other's mistakes, MY mistakes, can not be big enough to change God's plan for our lives. We ARE forgiven, and He DOES have a plan for us.  

Patience? What's THAT mean?

Romans 8:25 "25 But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently."   

      Patience, what does that mean? Well in the last two years I've discovered one thing for sure: patience means different things in different stages of your life!

my Daddy with Jantz 

       26 months ago I started blogging about my journey in faith. A journey, that at the time, was all about waiting on God's timing in starting a family. Through my time 
writing about faith and patience I learned several lessons and not all of them were "easy" to learn. I learned things about listening (LOTS of things about listening in a few months time period!), I learned things about the joy and pain involved in faith and also the "fulfillment" of waiting on God!

      I got my fulfillment and thought my journey with faith was done, then last July I learned that faith and patience mean something entirely different to me. What happened to make me do a 180, you may ask? My father very suddenly passed away. Suddenly faith meant, HOW am I going to deal with this? HOW am I going to recover? WHAT is my mom going to do now? Basically, for me, faith suddenly became a whole list of questions.     

Jantz at 6 months

      My husband and I decided that to answer as least one of those questions, we were taking the plunge and moving across the country back "home" (for me at least).  So last October, we packed up our house and six month old baby and hit the road. We arrived here and moved in with my mom "for a few weeks", and started our job searches. Well to make a long story short, it was three months later before my husband found a job, and that job paid a LOT less then the one he had before; and I'm STILL looking for something to this day. 

      I've found that I am going through a HUGE bout of depression, and have struggled to find any part of "me" hiding deep down. I went through one of those "dark" periods in my faith; a time where I stopped reading His Word, and felt so out of sync that it was like I was a different person. I wasn't bad enough that I needed medications, just bad enough that I wasn't "me" at that time. I will be completely honest with you and tell you that I am not out of this depression yet; but I am much, MUCH better then I was.

      What was it that helped me turn around? Well, I started reading the Bible again, I started really praying again. I still find it hard to know exactly what to pray for, but I'm praying anyways. I've found that, at times, my prayers are just groans to God and telling Him that I didn't know how to pray. I know from past Bible readings that I'm not the only person who's gone through these tough prayer times, the Apostle Paul wrote about it in Romans (8:26) "26 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words." The Palms are filled with David's laments and, at times, it even feels like he's ready to give up totally. so I know I'm in good company. And I know that I can find a way out. I even know the way out is named Jesus. I just have to learn a new aspect of faith and patience, a new way to trust in God.

      My little "fulfillment" turned one earlier this month and she is a wonderful blessing. She's a walking testament to my growing faith...a faith that need only be as big as a small seed. 

Jantz at her first birthday party

Fear: be GONE!

Luke 11:9-10


    "9 “And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.10 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."


It's been a very long time since I've posted to my blog, but I've been busy; with my baby girl! On April 4th, we welcomed our first child, Jantz Elaine into the world. Everything went just as planed until they told me her size! She was tiny! I was expecting an eight pounder and got myself a tiny 6 pound 3 ounce baby! No matter her size, she was perfect in every way, and she was ours!

When I got home from the hospital, I had some catching up to do in my daily readings. As most parents know, a brand new baby sleeps...a lot, so I had that time I needed to catch up. Boy was I in for a surprise! When I was reading the April 4th entry, I noticed I'd underlined a verse and dated it for 2011 (which normally means I've probably blogged about that verse at that time), and when I read this verse, I was floored! Luke 11:9-10, 9 “And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.10 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened, 

God had answered this prayer for me and my husband, and He'd done it EXACTLY one year later! God in His wisdom had been preparing us for our baby for a long time, but when I was desperate and clinging to His word, He sent me a promise that I didn't even see! 

When I started this blog back in early 2011, I was struggling with patience, patience to wait on God's timing for us to have/start a family. I blogged about this lack of faith that I had seemed to develop when it came to waiting. While I was blogging, I was learning; learning that God does indeed work in mysterious ways. After all, I was seeing things in my prayer life, in my devotional life and my personal life grow and blossom all because I was admitting on a regular basis that I wasn't "perfect" or even close to it. I had never expected to learn those things in my blogging journey; but here I was learning!

At the beginning of this year, I changed my focus a little bit to my debilitating fear about my pregnancy and getting to the end of it. I was SURE that the second she was born, my fear would just vanish. BOY, was I wrong! It multiplied 10 fold! I would have moments when I was supposed to be sleeping that I was crying out to God in my heart, begging Him to protect her, because my heart was stopping at the thought of things like SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) and how I couldn't do anything about it. I guess God isn't done with me just yet huh? He's teaching me to trust Him and place my most precious thing, my daughter, into His arms. I admit, 8 weeks later, I'm STILL trying to trust in this notion. I still have those heart stopping moments when I can't be sure if she's breathing or what will happen in the future. But God is working on me, showing me how to let go of that fear. 

Jeremiah 42:11 says "Your fears are for nothing. I'm on your side, ready to save and deliver you from anything he might do." My fears are for nothing, I do not HAVE to fear because I know that God is on my side, ready to save and deliver me! How comforting that thought can be, if I can just keep it in the fore thoughts going through my head. It's a constant battle against the fear that I've let creep into my life. I will have to keep reminding myself what God said through Jeremiah here.

I have a new fear coming up as well. I have to go back to work on Monday. I have to take my precious baby and leave her with strangers EVERY DAY so that I can earn enough money to help with our monthly incomes, and keep us in insurance. I'm not sure how I'll be on Monday, but I can tell you this; joy will probably NOT be at the top of my list of feelings, and I'm sure fear will be. I have no idea what my actual reactions will be, but I know that with God on my side I will have nothing to fear. Now if I can just get my heart to understand what my head is reading!

Thanks for listening to my rant on fears, and as my gift to you (and my love of my child!) I give you several pictures of our newest member!

my favorite picture of her

on a quilt my Grandma made for me

our rings on her fingers

Daddy with his treasure

 her sleeping on a bunny made for me by a great aunt and my other Grandmother.

cute baby shoes!

she loves BBQ, or she WILL someday! ;-)

the professional pictures were taken by http://www.tweedledeephotographee.com/

Listen, learn, repeat. Listen, learn, repeat!

Psalm 56: 3-4
     "3 But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you.4 I praise God for what he has promised. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me?"

Psalm 56: 9-11
     "9 My enemies will retreat when I call to you for help. This I know: God is on my side!10 I praise God for what he has promised; yes, I praise the LORD for what he has promised.11 I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me?"

Trust, faith, and praise; with these key ingredients it seems mere mortals can do nothing to me! I was caught when reading these verses today in Psalm, David is admitting that he gets afraid; but when he does, he puts his trust in God. He immediately praises God for what He's promised to him and proclaims his trust in the Most High. David concludes that he has no reason to fear after all of that!

What a beautiful thought process. David takes himself from despair and fear all the way to to trust in just a few seconds! I need to learn a lesson or two from King David! I've been talking a lot about fear, mostly because fear has taken on a new meaning with this pregnancy (23 days for those counting...mostly me and my family!) and the ensuing child that will result from said pregnancy. I'm no longer just responsible for my own life, I now have a baby to be thinking about; and that scares me! It has caused me to search the scriptures to look for verses to help me handle this fear and hand it over to God where it belongs. It IS working too, it's just that I want to keep that process handy and keep learning that lesson. When I saw these verses I realized that I am not the only one to fear things, nor am I the only one to turn to God to help with that fear. King David, a man after God's own heart, feared as well. David had a weapon though, I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me?" The confidence that sentence pours out in God is amazing to me. It says, HEY, my God is awesome, and I have nothing to fear because of it!

I kept reading, knowing I was going to write this blog; when just a few verses later, David REPEATS what he'd said! Have you ever noticed when you are in an important lecture or class, or when listening to a sermon; the speaker will repeat the points they want you to be sure and catch. They stress the important parts of whatever we are listening too by telling us more then once. Well, David has done that very thing in this chapter of Psalm! It worked too! It caught my attention that he believed the statement enough that he said it twice. I'm not sure, but I'm guessing that a man having been perused by other people wouldn't waste time saying something twice if it wasn't something he fully believed in and wanted the reader to believe in as well. If David believed in such a statement enough to repeat it, it stands that the reader (reader being ME) should look into that statement as well.

I never noticed how many times the Bible mentions fear and how we are good to go if we will just trust in God before, but seeing it repeated so many times now in my readings this last several months lets me know that God does want us to trust in Him and not fear the world, because HE is in charge and He's also on our side! Thank you God for showing me, repeatedly, that you are on my side and I have nothing to fear with You there!

BRING IT!

Psalm 46: 1-3
     "1 God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.2 So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea.3 Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!"

This week has been a stressful week for me, I've reported often through this pregnancy that I am having troubles with fear; with trusting God and my faith. I saw this set of verses today and I decided that I was going to make them a mantra of sorts for myself. I have just over a month left and then the rest of our lives with our baby; the LAST thing I need is to let my fears get in the way! Verse one says it all folks: "1 God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble" He is always ready to help in times of trouble, or worry, or whatever it is that we need help with at that time. This verse says, to me, that we can go to him and he will protect us because He is our strength. He is the foundation in our lives that keeps us strong and anchored.

The second part of these verses, "2 So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea.3 Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!" is the mantra part for me. The part that says, BRING IT ON DEVIL, I've got my Lord and Savior on MY side! What more do I need? This mantra of mine is even more timely right now because my state has been experiencing earthquakes a lot lately and we aren't known for them, or for feeling them for that matter! So for the Bible to say we will NOT fear when the earthquakes come, helps me remember even more that my God is in control and He has got this!

I think the point of a mantra in my own life is that I repeat it; a lot! I repeat it enough times that I believe it with all my heart and soul, I repeat it enough times that when I DO fear; it will be the first thing to pop into my mind. I think it's something I'd like to teach my daughter so that she has a verse that pops into her mind when she fears something as well. My mom did this for me when I was a kid; she taught us to sing praise songs when we were scared and to this day; if I'm overly frightened one of those songs in particular will jump right out my head/mouth and I will calm down.

All in all, I think God is trying to work on my fears and my lack of faith in Him through showing me these verses, and just in time too; my whole life is about to change and change daily! Dear Lord, keep my eyes focused on You and help me to remember that You are my protector and strength! Amen!

ONE more time for listening!

Mark 4:25
    " 25 To those who listen to my teaching, more understanding will be given. But for those who are not listening, even what little understanding they have will be taken away from them.”"

It's been a long time since I wrote a blog, and part of that is laziness, but part of it is because I want to keep my blog "real"; meaning I don't want to write an entry JUST to have an entry written. This is my own personal blog and no one is paying me to write it (does anyone WANT to pay me? I'd be ok with that!!) so I don't have a deadline to write things. That being said, I've missed writing my blog and today I was inspired to write a new one!

I have read this verse before, and at times just nodded my head and thought...yep, that's true! But today, I really looked at the verse. Today it spoke to me, if you will. I think it was the condition that caught my attention today. I know I've said this before, but it still seems to be ringing true in my life: I have a tendency to just skim over the words I'm reading in my Bible! This verse points out that particular habit of mine and paints it in a rather bad light as well!

How easy is it not to listen? If you have read my blog regularly, I'm betting you are thinking "um...Mrs. blog writer? Haven't you written this blog already this year?" and you'd be right! I did indeed write a blog about the version of this verse in Matthew back in January. But here's the thing, I still need to learn from it! I think that kind of proves the point that it's pretty easy NOT to listen!

I think that this is the year that God really teaches me a lesson about listening, and frankly I don't think it can come a minute too soon here either! I'm about to be a mother (6 1/2 weeks, for those who might be wondering or counting!!) and as far as I'm concerned, listening is a HUGE skill in mothering or parenting at all! I know that while I was growing up, especially in my dreaded teen years; I never thought my parents were listening to what I was saying. I thought they always just spoke right over my thoughts and tried to solve the problems without hearing the issues first. Now as an adult, I realize a good portion of that stems from the problem being the same over and over, but it doesn't change the fact that I wasn't feeling like I was being listened too. If I felt that way on a very teenaged, human level...what must God be feeling every time we just skim His word or ignore it all together?

This seemed to be a pretty big problem back when Jesus was walking this earth, so far I've found this verse in two of the Gospels so it must have been important enough that Jesus felt the need to point it out, and the writers felt the need to include it in their accounts of Jesus' life. I'm no scholar on the days of Jesus but I can only imagine that the distractions of that time, were nothing compared to the distractions of our technology age today. Think about all the things we have today, that even our parents didn't have. Of all that technology most of it is now mobile, so not only are we distracted at home, now we can be distracted on the go as well. God had to use some pretty big things to get the attention of the folks in Bible times, a massive flood, all the way to the death of His only Son; but if you've noticed, He keeps trying to get our attention.

I think the second part of this verse, the condition of: But for those who are not listening, even what little understanding they have will be taken away from them, isn't what God wants for us. I think He wants to give us more knowledge and understanding, not take what little we have away. I can recall learning in Bible College that if something is important and you want your audience to remember it...then repeat it more then once. Jesus follows this practice on many occasions and this one is no different. He wants us to be listeners! He wants to grant us knowledge and understanding but we have to do our part to gain it. We have to listen, and not just the "in one ear and out the other" kind of listen but really pay attention to what it is He's trying to say to us, and try to learn from that bit of listening.

I have an example of this in my personal life. I think God's been trying to get me to listen to my health more for a long time; but He finally got my attention in the last several weeks when my doctor told me I have gestational diabetes. This particular form of diabetes is something that CAN happen to pregnant women, but my blood sugar issues are slightly different then most women who have GD. I won't go into details, but it seems that there have been some signs that I've had for awhile that I've been missing. Now that I know what is going on, and I'm listening to what my body is telling me, I'm much better off with several of those signs. I fully believe this was a "wake up call" if you will from God to start paying better attention to what I'm doing to my body, and not only that but I'm believing it IS an pregnancy issue that will go away once my precious daughter is in my arms. The point is, if I had been listening to my body all along; I might have known some things that would have made this "issue" a non issue to begin with; but I wasn't listening, I was just doing as I saw fit.

I don't want this same thing to happen in my spiritual life; as I know it has in the past. I want to listen and listen closely to what it is that God is telling me. Here's the thing, God doesn't just speak to us through His Word either, He speaks through others in our lives, so now I'm in the process of making sure that I LISTEN with my heart and mind at the same time and not leave God out of anything.

Lord, please help me to reconize when You are speaking to me, and really pay attention to Your words. Thank you, Amen!

the Power of Listening!

Matthew 13:12
      "12 To those who listen to my teaching, more understanding will be given, and they will have an abundance of knowledge. But for those who are not listening, even what little understanding they have will be taken away from them."

I seem to be finding gems in the Word that point out more reasons to keep reading through God's Word this year! Today as I was making my way through my Matthew readings I saw this verse, and it struck me as very true. When we listen, we learn so much; but when we don't listen...well, not so much learning happens then!

I have the perfect example, my cousin posted on her facebook site yesterday (she works with kindergarten children) that one of her students was, yet again telling her about their day, and she tuned them out. All she heard was blah, blah, blah, so when the child was done talking, she said "that's amazing", but as it turns out, the child was trying to tell them about something "bad" because the child had a confused look on their face and said, but it really hurts! Now I know this is somewhat of a silly example, but it's true, how often do we just tune out what is going on around us and miss what we were to have learned? I've done this time and time again to my poor husband (granted, he's done it to me as well, but that doesn't make it right!) and about half way through the conversation...something will trigger and I'll have to make him start all over again.

If I've done this to my earthly husband, whom I can see and actually hear; how much have I done this to my Heavenly Father? I can't see Him, and I can't touch Him; so I KNOW it's that much easier to ignore Him. But His Word points out to me that the more I listen, the more understanding I'll have; not to mention the extra knowledge! If there is one thing I've longed for my entire adult life, it's more understanding of God's word, and here I find that it's MY issue that I'm not gaining that understanding!

As it turns out, this whole "thing" with Jesus, really IS a relationship! I don't know how I've read through the Bible so many times and haven't seen these verses until now, but I have a pretty large feeling that it may have something to do with my listening skills! I think that I've been reading my Bible, but trying to make it say what I want it to say and only paying attention to those parts of the story. Last year, I found so many verses that I normally just skim over that I've really had to slow my reading down and actually listen to the words I'm reading. As an avid reader, that's a really hard thing for me to do! I devour books in my spare time and since my spare time isn't overly abundant, I devour those books at a quick pace; add to that the fact that I read my devotions in the parking garage (it's amazing how quiet a parking garage can be in the mornings!) and sometimes I'm running behind and you've got a recipe for not listening. I wonder why I expect, and get upset, when I feel like God isn't listening to me and my complaints; when I can't be bothered to take the time to listen to Him and His instructions!

I think it all comes back to that two way road of relationships. I also think that I am not keeping my end of that road intact! I'm going to have to work real hard at actually stopping my day to listen to what God is saying to me, through His word and His still small voice! Thank you Jesus for showing me, again, how important it is to listen to You!

Why I keep reading

Proverbs 3:1
    "1 My child,t never forget the things I have taught you. Store my commands in your heart."

As I was reading my Bible this morning I saw this verse in Proverbs and it, of course, stopped me. Never forget the things I've taught you. That's not the easiest thing to do. I've found myself skimming through my Bible times and not really digesting what I've read, or even worse; this morning when I was reading I thought I'd use a verse for my blog and couldn't remember if I had blogged about it last year or not. I've now read through my "read it in a year" Bible 8 times and one would think that some of things would be sticking by now right? I promise, they are, but it's amazing what I find new each year. I have discovered that what I'm going through in my personal life will dictate what sticks out to me in my daily readings; but I've also discovered that as I read and reread the Bible every year, I make it past the "John 3:16"'s and start to get into more of the meat that I've been missing the last 30 or so years. Don't get me wrong, all those common verses are so wonderful and that's why we are taught them from birth; but what about the rest of the Bible? I'm finding that it's wonderful as well! I have had people tell me that 8 times through the bible is a lot and it is, but it's not near enough for me.

Let me give you this example. What is your favorite movie of all time? I can't even begin to narrow that one down, but let's say it's something like Lion King. So Lion King is your favorite movie of all time, how many times have you watched it? How much of the movie can you quote? I'm guessing the answer to both of those answers is "a lot" and if I'm right on that, are you board with the movie yet? Nope, and why is that? We aren't board with it yet because it's our favorite and every time we watch it, we see something new or learn another line from it that makes us smile. That's how I feel about reading the Bible every year. Although I do have to admit that I get confused with the order of the books because of the way my Bible is set up, but I am learning more and more of God's word though my constant re readings and I'm even starting to memorize more of it too.

So as my journey continues through this, my ninth time through the Bible, (that sure doesn't seem like a lot compared to my nearly 32 years of life) I'm looking to store as much of His commands into my heart as I can, and remember the many things He's taught me! I'm so thankful for whomever invented this blog thing, because it's just one more tool that I have to remember. I can go back and read everything I've written and see what lessons I've learned and which ones I need to continue learning. When I was checking to see if I'd used that other verse last year, I discovered there are several lessons that I need to revisit and relearn from this last year. Wish me luck!

Hukuna Matata...right?

Matthew 6:25-34
    "25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing?26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are?
27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing,29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.
30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? 31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.
33 Seek the Kingdom of Godt above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
34 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today."

I know this is a long section of scripture, but I needed to have the whole section to write my blog today. Today is the first blog entry of 2012 (I'm such a slacker huh?) and part of the reason it's my first is because of exactly what this verse is talking about. Worry, and faith; well lack there of really. I know I've posted about my fears associated with this pregnancy; and let me tell you that the moment I wrote those fears down, I was much better about laying them at God's feet. Here's my problem: once I laid those down, I seemed to develop NEW fears!

Let me explain a thing or two. We already have established that I'm a planner; and that being a parent is about as far as you can get from being able to control a plan! I think I've already established that I'm a "rules" person as well; meaning I don't like to be in trouble. What does all of this have to do with my fears, and lack of faith in believing those fears? Well I'm not sure that they even really connect anywhere but in my mind. As I see it, sometimes my fears are based on "what if I do this wrong and get in trouble?" how silly is that? REAL silly, not only is that unlikely to happen...if it DOES happen, my God is a forgiving God! That point was driven home to me this morning as I was reading about worrying. Verse 30 says "30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?" Right there in black and white, I could see that my worrying was actually a lack of faith. Since I started this blog (just about about a year ago now) I've been exploring what I thought was a study in patience; and while I have learned a lot about that subject, I've discovered that patience is directly related to faith. I'm not sure why it surprised me that worrying is directly linked to a LACK of faith then, but it did!

I recently got to spend some time visiting with my family and when I'd tell my mom about my worrying; and what it was that was worrying me; she'd give me the typical mom answer of "why? that's nothing to worry about!" While it's good to hear that, it wasn't exactly what my heart was looking for at that moment. Sometimes our parents can be harsh; but then so can God. Jesus plainly said that worrying was showing a lack of faith, and that's harsh; but so did my mom only I didn't see it that way. In fact, when we were growing up, I used to hear my mom say "praise the Lord" all the time and I started to notice that I heard it more often if she was struggling with something or frustrated with something. I asked her about it, and she said that she was practicing what she'd learned as a child "in all things, Praise the Lord". Psalm 34:1 says " I will praise the LORD at all times. I will constantly speak his praises." and to my mom that meant even when she was scared or lonely; praise the Lord. To her it meant, when I don't know how this bill is going to be paid, or where this next meal is going to come from; Praise the Lord. My sister and I have adapted this but shorten it to PTL. I'll randomly say PTL and will get the most curious looks from people; which gives me an opportunity to explain it all to them!

In my worrying I'm learning some valuable lessons. The lessons are leading me straight back to my faith. I was going to pick a new word for the year 2012, but the more I look at it, the more I'm thinking I'll stick with my journey to learn patience, after all what would require more patience then having a baby right? And while I'm learning more about patience, I'm planning on learning so much more about my faith and how they are connected. Come along on the journey with me, who knows what gems I might find in the word this year!

We just gotta come to Him!

Proverbs 30:5
    "5 Every word of God proves true.
He is a shield to all who come to him for protection."

The words of the writer of this Proverb held me captive this morning. How true! Every word of God DOES prove true, and He IS a shield to all who come to Him for protection! I want to focus on the shield portion of this verse today. I know that I've been struggling with fear lately, and homesickness as well; so I figure that I'm not the only one out there having these feelings. The words I read today gave me a peace, and comfort that He is my shield, He will protect me in all things!

How often do we try to "go it alone"? I know for me, it seems to be a pretty common thing, but we don't have to do that; we don't HAVE to be alone. God will shield us and protect us! All we have to do is come to Him. Then why do I find myself constantly thinking I can do this on my own, and constantly failing at it? I think that, for me anyways, it's just too easy. All I have to do is come to Him and hid in His arms? Really? That's it? I mean, I'm pretty much a mess here God, are You sure You don't need me to clean up somehow? But He doesn't, all He requires is that we come to Him.

This isn't the only time He says this in the Bible either, Jesus tells us in Matthew 11:28 "28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." It seems to be a theme here, God WANTS to give us rest if we will just come to Him. It seems so simple to read, but so hard to actually DO. How can we move from reading something to actually doing that same thing? I've been trying to figure that one out for years! I know that the Lord is working in me though, I've read these words many, many times and never stopped to think about them before. I never stopped to act upon them after having read them. I do have to say, that I have done this before...just come to Him, but it always seems to be in times of desperation. I spent a lot of times begging Him to just hold me when we were trying to have a baby; and now that I'm pregnant, I've spent time begging Him to hold both me and the child and protect us both. I wonder just how much my life would change if that was my attitude every single day. If I woke in the morning and said, "good morning Lord, I'm ready to be held some more!". If I took the time to seek His arms when I'm perfectly happy and enjoying life instead of waiting until it's all falling in around me?

I can only imagine what good has in store for us, what wonderful things He has just WAITING for us to come to Him for. But I tend to stand on the outside and look in at the grand party, instead of seeking out His arms to be included in it. I think that my plan of action for the next week, is to actively seek the Lord's protection, shield and arms when I DON'T need them most. I plan to seek Him at all times, not just the rough times. Thank you Jesus, for being that shield and protection I need, and not just when I ask for it either; but all of the time! I love you Jesus!

He knows, He sees

Revelation 2:2
     "2 “I know all the things you do. I have seen your hard work and your patient endurance."

Some days are just harder then others. Have you ever noticed that? I have days that I struggle to be happy; let alone to be a "Christian example" to the world. But Revelation is here to tell us, that God knows. He sees everything we are going through, and He sees how we are patiently enduring through the rough times. This verse spoke to me this morning, because of the message of seeing in it. I know that on some of those rough days I feel so very far from God; like He's not even in the same universe as me, let alone walking (or carrying me!) beside me. It is nice to be reminded that He's seeing me struggle, He's seeing me get through.

I think that sometimes, just getting through; or patiently enduring as this verse words it, is a victory in it's self. How often do we hear about those who were not able to make it through? Sadly, pretty often; and I wonder how anyone can survive without the Hope that I hold near. I have had several friends that will willingly admit that they struggle with things like depression on a regular basis. I can tell you for these friends, and the few times I've struggled with depression as well, that making it to the other side of the darkness is one of the most amazing feelings. You have survived again; it's now easier to make it through the day. What might seem like a strange thing to celebrate to a person who's never suffered these things, is a celebration in a persons day who HAS struggled with this. The verse in Revaluation is a comfort to me, to know that He's there, He's seeing and He'll be there when I make it through to the other side as well.

I am sure that a lot of people have noticed there isn't a promise in this verse of hope, but to me; I see a promise. I see the promise of Him. I see the promise that He's there; at all times. The promise, to me, is that He will be there to celebrate with me when WE make it through, He'll be there to wrap His arms around me when I'm in that darkness; and He'll be there to help through the next time too. In short, HE WILL BE THERE FOR ME. God is awesome that way huh?