Prayers for the Hamil family

Last night we had a wild ride! I live in the heart of Tornado Alley here in Oklahoma, and last night we proved the name. We had several tornadoes touching down in the central part of the state last night, but none so devastating, so on my mind and in my prayers as the one that ripped through Piedmont, Oklahoma. This tornado did so much damage, but most devastatingly it ripped a family apart. Literally.

One family was in their bathtub with a mattress over them when the tornado ripped through the house, tearing a 5 year old girl, a 3 year old boy and 15 month old baby boy from their mothers protective hands. The 5 year old and 15 month old were found last night as well as the pregnant mother. I was informed this morning that the 15 month old passed away from the injuries he received. The mother and daughter had surgeries today, but are still doing very badly. As of 5:45pm local time, the search for precious little Ryan (the 3 year old boy) is still going.
This family is in desperate need of prayers. I'm so proud of my state that has gathered around this family and have even created a facebook page to "collect" prayers for them, that page is called Prayers for the Hamil family-find Ryan.

I know that I serve a wonderful, awesome God who can protect, and bring this baby home to his hurting family. The Bible tells us all the time that He will do anything for us; I just wrote about it yesterday morning when I wrote on John 14:14 "14 If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it" I never suspected that I'd be using this verse so quickly, and in such a different way then I thought. This family needs that God healing, God rescue much more then I could ever dream of needing it right now. 


I wanted to reach as many people as possible with this message; so I came to the most "international" place I know, my blog. I try not ask to much on this, my blog, because it is a journal of the things I'm learning, but I do ask this: PLEASE PRAY FOR THIS FAMILY! They are going through so very much right now and covet all the prayers they can get to help in healing, guilt (the poor father was out of town when all of this took place), and of course rescue. Thank you so much for reading, and praying. 

Geeennnnieee of theeee lamp...?

John 14:13-14
     "13 You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father. 14 Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it!"

This verse has a lot of years noted next to it in my Bible! It seems as if it comes up in my life at exactly the right times. I don't particularly remember May as being a hard month, but I remember some of those years being overly tough. How awesome, that we can ask for ANYTHING in His name and He will do it! Not only does He want to let us know that He'll do anything if we ask it in His name, but He wants us to understand that he is serious, so He repeats Himself.

I went to college to become a youth pastor, and while I didn't finish school, I did learn some things while I was there. One of those things that I learned, was really more of a joke, but "all good pastors will have three points in their sermons, and if they want their congregations to remember something, they will repeat it." It appears that at least part of this philosophy is Biblical! I always understood where they were coming from on that one, for me, learning is a memory thing. I've always struggled with spelling, I just don't do it well; and have discovered that spell check is my friend. When I was little, my mom's solution was to "look it up" but unfortunately for me, looking it up requires knowing how to spell; at least a little bit. So instead of always asking people how to spell something, I would try and write it down (once I knew how to spell it) repeatedly so that if nothing else, my fingers would remember how to write the word (this has become much easier now that I type most things!!) so I see the point in repeating ones self to drive a point home.

Jesus isn't driving just any point home here, He is making it very clear to us that He will take care of us; at least that is how I see it. I don't know if it's because I'm a female and automatically want to take care of people, or if I just see Jesus in a nurturing kind of way; but I feel like He is the ultimate care giver. I don't think this verse is telling us we should just ask for things left and right, after all; Jesus is not the Genie on Aladdin! God has always been like a wonderful parent that teaches His children well. That means if we mess up, there are consequences, He won't just give us all the money in the world with out our having earned it. I don't want to get to "deep" here, but since He gave us free will (link is to dictionary.com's definition of free will); we have the choice to do what we want, but we will also have to pay the price for those choices. There are many examples of this throughout the Bible, from God repeatedly letting the Israelites lose in battle to Jesus dying on the cross to save us from our sin. Like all good parents, God wants to see us suceed in life, so if we ask Him; in Jesus Name, He'll give us what we NEED.

I have to admit, it's very easy to blog on this subject, but a lot harder to believe it. For the past nearly six months I've been seeking paitence in my life, and I don't feel like I'm any closer now then I was at the begining. I want to take this verse and beg God to give me a baby, but I just don't think that is what God meant when He gave us this verse. I guess I'm not sure what He meant, only that asking implies choice; and I don't want something that God doesn't think is good for me. I just have a hard time seeing that a baby might not be good for me, right now.

This month has been rough on me, I felt my empty arms more so then normal, and my "lonliness" seems greater. I'm not sure if that is a direct resault of longing, or if my journey is starting to pay off. I have a feeling that it's my journey that is making it more noticeable for me. The longing that is in my heart has been there for a long time, but now that I am seriously learning things about paitence, I'm starting to see that as discontment in my walk with Christ, and that brings a bit of guilt with it. So, I'm taking this verse to heart today and I'm asking God for three things, a healing that would result in a baby in my arms, paitence to wait for that healing; and an understanding if that healing isn't in His will for my life. Hard prayer, but I already feel a little bit better by asking for that understanding as well.

The Power of God

John 9:1-5
    "1  As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth. 2 “Rabbi,” his disciples asked him, “why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents’ sins?”

3 “It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him. 4 We must quickly carry out the tasks assigned us by the one who sent us.t The night is coming, and then no one can work. 5 But while I am here in the world, I am the light of the world.”

What a powerful statement! It seemed to have been a common thought process for the Israelites to think that if something was wrong with you (blind, sick, poor) it was caused by sin. The Israelites had fairly good reason to believe this (Exodus 20:5) but they failed to live out the next verse "6 But I lavish unfailing love for a thousand generations on thoset who love me and obey my commands." Then this Jesus person came along and told them something new. He told them that this beggar was born blind purely to glorify God! The concept must have been so new to them. I'm sure they were freaking out, thinking so bad things happen to glorify God too, and not just because you had sinned?

This isn't exactly the first time I've read about this, the whole book of Job, from beginning to end; seems to be a testing of Job that ends up glorifying God. I don't know what it is about this statement, that this beggar was born blind to glorify God, that gets me so excited; but I think it has to do with a hope that I feel in that statement.

Could it be that I, one who has SEVERAL medical issues, was born to show God's glory? Could it be that He is just waiting on the exact moment to let me be healed, to show the wold His glory? I pray this is so. I have come to a point in my life that I crave healing. I crave a child of my own in my arms; a toddler running around screaming "mamamamama" or "papapapapa". I know that God has a plan for my life. In fact, the Bible tells me this in Jeremiah 29:11 "¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." , but I also realize that I am short sighted. I want my baby now; not when God has that child planned. The verses in John make me hope for that long awaited healing in my life. I would thrill at the chance to be God's instrument, to show His glory to the world, and those closest to me. Please let me be Your instrument of healing Lord!

the Psalm of my life

Psalm 31:23
   "24 So be strong and courageous,
all you who put your hope in the Lord!"

I'm beginning to see that the book of Psalm in my Bible is a book that; for me at least, seems to be the cry of my heart. While I'm reading in Psalm, I find lots of verses underlined in my Bible. I think I've mentioned before that I underline verses that stick out to me and mark the year that the verse stuck out to me on the side. With my One Year Bible, I read the same verses every year on that same date, so if I add the year, then I can get a sense of what was going on in my life on such and such a date in such and such a year. So lately as I'm reading through this book, I see things from a time in my life where I was desperate for the Lord's help in all things, I see verses from the times in my life when I was seeking God's guidance on something, and I am starting to see several verses that mark my journey towards patience, faith and now hope.

How can one book seem to sum all of 7 years of my adult life? I think it has a lot to do with the fact that the authors were writing their personal feelings down. Much of the Old Testament is the history of the people of Israel, and most of the New Testament is telling of Jesus and His works, but looking at Psalms and a few other books in there as well; we get a rare look into the life of individuals. If you are currently alive (and I hope you are if you are reading this blog!) then you have probably discovered that life isn't all happy times. We have highs and lows in life, times when we are just excited to be alive and kicking; and also times where we are so depressed or unhappy that we've begged to die. I know that I've been both of those places and everywhere in between as well. The book of Psalm seems to voice many of my thoughts in those times. The writer/s have taken their pain, happiness and fear and put them all into words for us to read. If you have never read the Bible and feel that you could never "measure up" to Christianity...read Psalms, you'll see that the people writing felt that way too. But they didn't just walk away, the searched for their hope, they cried out in their pain, the rejoiced in their happy times. They were, in short, real people. Most of Psalms is written by King David, a great king of Israel, he had some seriously tough times in his life and it appears he's recorded this thoughts and feelings during those times for us. He also had some really awesome times in his life, and again recorded those for us too. So now I have a "go to" book when I need a verse to express my feelings.

Today, that feeling is hope. I have a hope in Christ, that I will one day have a baby of my own. I have a hope, that I will be a healthy person who doesn't have the strangest medical issues anymore. I also have a hope that I can discover and, in turn, accomplish what it is that Christ has called me to do with my life. I didn't read this verse in my bible today; I entered the word "hope" into a search engine and looked for a verse that said what I was feeling today. Psalm 31:23  "24 So be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord!" came up and I immediately knew this was my verse. I have that hope in me, but I needed the reminder to be strong and courageous. 

Sometimes when I'm feeling hopeful on something; and it doesn't come to pass, I lose that hope all together. I feel like this verse is telling me to be courageous in that hope, and continue hoping even if it hasn't "come true" yet. During those times I need to remember that this hope has a strength too; that strength is Jesus. When my hope falters, I can always lay back in the arms of Christ and regain that hope; which I have done repeatedly!

I heard a song on my iPod on the way into work this morning, that song was Beauty from Pain, and it spoke to me a little. This song talks about understanding that what we are going through in our life may cause us pain, but we will eventually have beauty from that pain. I thought I'd add these words to my blog today, in hopes that someone else can feel their way to "the Light" and find hope that they will have beauty from their pain.

SUPERCHIC[K] LYRICS

"Beauty From Pain"

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Tryin' to hold to what I can't see (to what I can't see)
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My Bread, My Life

John 6:30-33
     "30 They answered, “Show us a miraculous sign if you want us to believe in you. What can you do? 31 After all, our ancestors ate manna while they journeyed through the wilderness! The Scriptures say, ‘Moses gave them bread from heaven to eat 32 Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, Moses didn’t give you bread from heaven. My Father did. And now he offers you the true bread from heaven. 33 The true bread of God is the one who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.”

Isn't it funny how, as humans, we tend to get a story backwards after awhile? It's like that game we used to play as kids, telephone, where one person starts a "message" and whispers it into the next persons ear and then he whispers it to the next kid and on down the line, until the last person says the "message" out loud. How many times have we played that game, and how many times has that message been the same at the beginning as it was at the end? I can tell you that in my own experience it was NEVER the same at the end; in fact the kids/teens I played with tried their hardest to make that message "close, but different". It appears that the Israelites have done the same thing here with their flight from Egypt. They seem to think that it was Moses who provided them bread, or manna, in the wilderness; when in fact it was God who did that for them. It seems at times, that the Israelites have idolized their ancestors a bit. I wrote last week about Jesus and the women at the well; she idolized Jacob. John 4:11 “But sir, you don’t have a rope or a bucket,” she said, “and this well is very deep. Where would you get this living water? 12 And besides, do you think you’re greater than our ancestor Jacob, who gave us this well? How can you offer better water than he and his sons and his animals enjoyed?” I feel like telling her; HEY LADY YOU ARE TALKING TO JESUS!!

I'm pretty sure that Jesus knew how we, as humans, would react. He knew that we would/will make people more important then our God, but even so; how must that have hurt and frustrated Him! In this passage He is not only fighting that tenancy for us to idolize; but also to show them who He is! He is the Son of God; the bread of life, as He states it. I, for one, would have been a bit like the lady at the well; wondering just WHO this guy that he was; but realizing quickly, that I wanted what He was offering! 


What is He offering? Well He's offering eternal love, forgiveness and a chance to be a Child of God. I think I've done a lot of searching in my life for these things, and I can tell you that the only way I've found peace with any of them is through Jesus Christ. I was young when I gave my life to Christ, and I was very immature in my faith. Through the years, the trails, I've grown up in that faith. I've seen many things happen that could only be explained by the Grace of God. How could I knowingly refuse this Bread of Life that He is offering to me? I'm the girl who loves to eat, so this concept of Bread of Life really fits with my personality. God wants to give me the ONE thing I need to sustain me, to take away my hunger for life. Thank You Jesus for being my Bread of Life! I praise Your name that no matter what the message sounds like at the end of this human game of "telephone" You are still that Bread for my life!

Some Days are easier then Others...

Psalm 106:2-5
    "2 Who can list the glorious miracles of the Lord?
Who can ever praise him enough?

3 There is joy for those who deal justly with others
and always do what is right.

4 Remember me, Lord, when you show favor to your people;
come near and rescue me.


5 Let me share in the prosperity of your chosen ones.
Let me rejoice in the joy of your people;
let me praise you with those who are your heritage."

Yesterday was a day of celebration; for lots of women. Yesterday was Mother's Day, and while I do have a wonderful Mother, Aunts and Grandmothers; it's a bittersweet day for me. It's even worse because it's a Sunday, a day when I spend a lot of time online, in the world of Facebook. All day long yesterday I read people's status directed at their mothers, or at their wonderful children and spouses, and while I don't begrudge them their day, I can't help but wish it were my day as well.

I see days like yesterday as a chance to renew my desire to learn about faith and patience during this year. I was fine most of the day, but about 3/4 of the way through it dawned on me that I'm not pregnant still; and that I desperately want to be. So I made a choice, and that choice was to write about it today; however God wanted me to write SLIGHTLY different then I wanted to.

 I wanted to whine and complain about how I'm still not pregnant and I sometimes feel like it's never going to happen for me; but God put Psalm 106 in my path to read this morning. Verse two of that Psalm says "2 Who can list the glorious miracles of the Lord? Who can ever praise him enough?" and isn't THAT the truth? Who CAN list those glorious miracles? I know that I can't, I just don't think there is enough paper in the world, or enough time to type them all here; and that's just the miracles I'M involved with! Reading these words made me think that I need to praise Him for what He HAS done, and not dwell on what it is He hasn't done...yet. As I kept reading His words, I came across this verse from the same Psalm; "4 Remember me, Lord, when you show favor to your people; come near and rescue me."  and was reminded that not only has He done great miracles, but He knows the desires of my heart and He shows favor to His people! I get so excited by that! I know that I belong to Him, that I am one of those people He shows favor to!

I know that some people may read this and be tempted to say; in His time, Jules, in His time. I KNOW that, I've heard it said time and time again. But on this, the day after Mother's were celebrated the land over, please don't tell me "it'll happen in His time" especially if you already have children. I'd prefer that you pray for me instead, pray that I will remember that I can not count all of His wonderful, glorious miracles, and that He shows favor to His people. Pray that I can remember that those two things added together means that I may someday hold a child in my arms that I've carried for nine months in my womb. In fact, I'll make you a promise that if you do this for me; I'll do the same for you!

Dear Lord, I pray for the people reading this blog. I would ask that You would give them a sense of peace whatever it is that they may be going through right now. I pray that they could remember that Your glorious miracles can't be numbered, and that You do, indeed; show favor to Your people. Father I ask that if someone who is reading this today, isn't counted among Your people that You would lead them to You. Thank You, Father, for all that You have done for us; and for everything that You are going to do. Amen.

Worship, anywhere; anytime!

John 4:21-24

     21 Jesus replied, “Believe me, dear woman, the time is coming when it will no longer matter whether you worship the Father on this mountain or in Jerusalem. 22 You Samaritans know very little about the one you worship, while we Jews know all about him, for salvation comes through the Jews. 23 But the time is coming—indeed it’s here now—when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth. The Father is looking for those who will worship him that way. 24 For God is Spirit, so those who worship him must worship in spirit and in truth.”

As someone who was not born a Jew, these are VERY powerful words! Up to this point in history, it was understood that to worship God, the one true God, one had to do that wherever the temple, or the arc of the covenant was located. Not only was the location limited, but so was the audience. Non-Jewish people could worship at the Temple, but they were only allowed so far into the Temple. So when Jesus told this women (another thing in history that wasn't done much was men talking to women at wells, especially not JEWISH men talking to a SAMARITAN women.) that a time was coming when people would be allowed to worship anywhere; He was saying, that I could worship the Lord as well as any Jewish person.

The New Testament is full of examples of Jesus teaching us that Jews, and Gentiles alike could come to Him and become children of God. I find this example up lifting. Times have changed so much since Jesus first walked this earth; and the human race has had to spread out a lot more, even if I HAD been born a Jew, I wouldn't have been able to go to the Temple to worship. I love that He tells us we can worship in spirit and in truth! How else would a girl living in Oklahoma be able to reach out and connect with God on High? I can tell you this, it's DEFIANTLY not through my good deeds and sinless life.

I am that person that spoken of in Romans 3:23. I have fallen sinned, and I know that on my own I'm short of God's Glory. But this verse reminds me that I CAN be one with God, in spirit; it also reminds me that God will forgive me if I just ask. I know that this verse doesn't actually say that God forgives when asked, but it reminds me of some of the other verses I've written about that DO say those words. All I know is that I'm wholly undeserving of God's grace, but that I have received it through His Son, Jesus Christ.

Anatomy of a Human Heart

John 3:27-30
    "27 John replied, “No one can receive anything unless God gives it from heaven. 28 You yourselves know how plainly I told you, ‘I am not the Messiah. I am only here to prepare the way for him.’ 29 It is the bridegroom who marries the bride, and the best man is simply glad to stand with him and hear his vows. Therefore, I am filled with joy at his success. 30 He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less. 31 “He has come from above and is greater than anyone else. We are of the earth, and we speak of earthly things, but he has come from heaven and is greater than anyone else."


Right before this passage of scripture, John "the Baptist's" disciple's had come to him complaining about more people going to Jesus to be baptised; instead of him. John's reply really blows me away. Look at verse 30 in particular: "30 He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less." Awesome right? Now let's take a look at verse 31: 31 “He has come from above and is greater than anyone else. We are of the earth, and we speak of earthly things, but he has come from heaven and is greater than anyone else." to see how awesome John's reply really was. He was just a human ONLY human. Jesus understood "things of heaven" but John only understood being a human. Now how would YOU feel if this happened to you? Would you have the ability to say it was all good, that whomever it was SHOULD become more and more popular, while you faded into nothing? Ok, let's look at this another way; for you girls out there; say you are in Jr. High school and the MOST popular girl there is. Everyone wants to be you, or date you. Then, in your last year of Jr. High, this new girl moves in, she is younger then you and all of the sudden everyone wants to be HER instead of you, or date HER instead of you. Now how do you feel? Are you happy for the new girl, or do you simply want to claw her eyes out? I can tell you that I've never been the popular girl, but when I look at that situation I'd be in the clawing camp...100% in the clawing camp.

How does John do it? I know that later he questions things a bit, (Matthew 11:2-3:  2 John the Baptist, who was in prison, heard about all the things the Messiah was doing. So he sent his disciples to ask Jesus, 3 “Are you the Messiah we’ve been expecting,t or should we keep looking for someone else?”) but in this instance, he goes right for the heart of the matter; it's not ME that is the Messiah, it's Jesus! I'll be honest, I have no idea how John can feel that way, none. I guess it's just one more reason why I admire him; from the beginning he knew and recognized who Jesus was (Luke 1:42-44), and he knew that he was to clear the way for Jesus. He did all of this with a willing heart, but not only was his heart willing, it was human; which makes it even more extraordinary!

I wish that I were more like this remarkable human, able to lessen myself in order to make someone else greater. I guess I will just have to pray for a humbleness like John's, and a grateful heart to accept that humbleness.

How do you chose to act?

John 3:16-17
    16 “For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. 17 God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him."

If you grew up in a Church; or even occasionally went to vacation Bible school in the summers, chances are you've heard at least John 3:16. But what do those words mean? What parent would be willing to let their child die, even if it was to save the whole world? and what child would be willing to do that? Not only that, but take a close look at John 3:17 "17 God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him." Not only did God send His only Son to save us, He sent Him without condemnation! I am floored by the magnitude of this act!

As a child, when hearing this verse it was just another verse. I didn't really understand the words, but as an adult; they are becoming more and more clear to me. I know that I'm not a parent yet; but I AM a wife, and as a wife I can tell you that I wouldn't give up my husband to save anyone (even myself) and I didn't give birth to him! I can tell you also that if, for some reason, my husband did die to save someone; I would be on a judgement rampage! I know that I wouldn't be able to sit back and actually love the person who did that to him, as God has loved each and every one of us who put Jesus on that cross!

I hadn't intended to write about this, but I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 24 hours. It was announced late Sunday evening that some brave seals were able to eliminate Osama Bin Laden. Now, I live in America and as most of the world knows; as a country, we rejoiced about that fact. My first thoughts were "is it real?" and then it hit me. If it IS real, how should I feel about it? If God loved the world enough to send His Son to die for us, ALL of us, then how should I feel about one of God's precious lambs dying; seemingly without ever knowing the Lord? I can tell you this, it made me nervous instead of elated. Don't get me wrong, the man had done some evil things and taken lives where he shouldn't have, but does that it make it right that we should take his life? I'm speaking purely from a faith view here; I understand justice and that it was served here, but how should I view that through a faith life?

I saw a quote on Facebook last night that was penned by one Ms. Jessica Dovey and happened to go viral. Part of her status was from her heart, and part was a direct quote from Martian Luther King, Jr. I agree so much with the quote that I will post it here. I thought to only post the MLK part; but it was really Ms. Dovey's heartfelt thoughts that grabbed me. Her status read

I will mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. "Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that." MLK Jr. (I've added the italics and boldness to try and help lower the confusion). Ms. Dovey has hit the nail on the head for me. I mourn those poor, poor victims of 9-11, and just can't imagine how their families have coped with this whole thing. I am so very proud of each and every one of the soldiers who have taken part (be it on home soil or foreign soil) in the fight against terrorism as well, but I can not rejoice over the death of one. When I first read that thought I wanted to scream, YES, that is how I feel too! I have felt that rejoicing in Bin Laden's death would almost negate the mourning I've done for the thousands who have died as a direct result of him.

 

I am not sure how to express my thoughts on this clearly, so I'll stop trying; but I do know that Jesus died for him as well as me; and I can never forget that. While I read my Bible every morning, I have to come to grips with war on a regular basis; God has used war and I'm sure He still does. However, Jesus changed everything. Jesus was about love, not judgement; and I have to look at this situation through my Jesus filter. It's lame to think "what would Jesus do?" but I really need to think that, and act accordingly. Jesus would mourn for Mr. Bin Laden, if he did indeed die without knowing the amazing grace of God. Jesus would welcome him into His arms if Mr. Bin Laden manged to make his peace with God before he died. How can I do any less?