The dry field rejoice.

Habakkuk 3:17-18
      "17 Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the locks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, 18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!"

      A dear friend sent this to me as a verse of the day yesterday, and he sent a translation with it "Even when stuff is crazy, He has a plan at work. Keep your head up." He sent this as a mass text, not intended for me alone; but his verse and translation were something I needed to hear, in fact, something I need to hear daily.

      I really have no idea what God has up His sleeves for my family right now. We seem to be living in a limbo land. I mentioned, in an earlier post, that I still am without a job nearly seven months after starting a search. My husband found a job, but isn't making enough money to support us. We've gone thorough a lot of "trials" in the last year, and we thought we were following God's will for our lives. Seven months later we find ourselves questioning that thought. Did we REALLY do what God wanted us too? Was it HIS voice we heard, or just our wants?

      I can't answer any of these questions, and circumstances would say that it was, indeed, the wrong choice to make. I do, however, know that my God is good, and He DOES have a plan for our lives. Having these thoughts run through my head, has forced me to confront another idea. 

      Who are we to say that God's plan was this or that? I mean really; how do we know that we "didn't follow His will"? I've begun to understand that thinking that way is, essentially, putting God in a box isn't it? That kind of thinking implies that God's will can never change; and while I believe that is true, I also believe that our choices can change the way said will comes about. That is where that box comes in. Who am I to say that God can't change the way an event comes about?

      The Bible is full of stories of sinners; who even in their sin, were a big part of God's plans. Let's look at David; he was an adulterer and murderer; yet God called him "a man after God's own heart." Paul denied Jesus three times the night He was killed; yet Jesus told him he'd be the rock that His Church was built on. The list goes on and on...and I know that these people were just that...people. If God can take them, and the choices they made, and make something awesome of them; I know He can do the same with me and the choices I've made too. 

      I like the hope in these verses too, the part that says "18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!". The first verse seems so bleak, and then the author comes back with such hope and faith. Yep, there it is again...that faith that I seem to struggle so much with . This author has faith that his Savior will save him. That no matter what happens to him HE. WILL. REJOICE. How powerful those words can be if we would just live them in our lives. If I could learn to rejoice, and not just go through the motions of rejoicing; but ACTUALLY rejoice in all things; how amazing my life could be! 

      I've got rejoicing when times are good down pat! I can "dace like David danced" with the best of them when my finances are secure and life is going well. It's when I'm in the valley's that dancing doesn't seem like such a great idea or rejoicing in my God is too hard. 

      So it looks like I might have another "next step" in this great journey of learning faith. I need to learn to rejoice at all times, to dance with wild abandon even when I'm not sure how we will pay for groceries next week; to sing praise when the car starts doing strange things and to just trust that God does, indeed, "got this". To that dear friend who texted me yesterday; thank you for helping me see something God's been trying to get me to see for awhile!

The Slow Change...

Luke 22:42
      42“Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

      I am sure we've all been there, in a place where we really, REALLY don't want to do something. In that place where it all feels like it's crashing down on us at one time, or in that place we know will be painful. I've been there, in fact, I am there now. Do you know what I want to do? Tuck tail and run! I want to be as far away from this "pain" as possible, but I know that I can't just run from everything that will hurt to learn or go though. I know that somehow this will make me a better person, and maybe even give me insight to help someone else through something in the future. Alas, "knowing" something and actually "doing" something are two very different things aren't they? 

      I know at times I've read my Bible just looking for an excuse to not do something that I know I'm being lead to do...or a reason why something is happening to me, and not found any answers. I have discovered a lesson in that; you can't make the Bible say what you want it to say when you'd like it to say it. I can honestly say that I've found, in those times, that more often then not I end up finding verses that tell me the opposite of what I'm trying to "hear".  I've found that I really need to pray about hearing God's plan's for me; instead of trying to make the Bible fit my plans for me. That is not easy!

      In my adult life a pattern has started to develop, a pattern that points towards tendencies to want things done a certain way...you know, MY way! That's not to say that I find other people's way wrong, because if I did, I wouldn't spend near the time on Pintrest looking for new ideas on how to do things that I do! What I am saying is that I like my routines, I like to do the same thing the same way every time. I want everything in it's place (and I really want my husband to want the same thing!) and I want my daily routine to be pretty much the same as it was the day before, and the day before that as well. But two things have happened in my life to mess all that up, first I became a mother and second I moved in with my mom. I have dreamed of this time in my life for years, planned how I'd raise my children and how I wouldn't raise them. Then I actually HAD a child and most of that went out the window! 

      I've learned a valuable lesson in just 12 short months: Children are individuals who can not just be entered into your routines; they want to develop their own routines! I learned another valuable lesson in six long months: Adults that have lived for several decades can not simply be pushed into my routines either. I love my mom and I love that Jantz's Nanna is so near; but I want my own space again! I want it so bad I can taste it, and worse I keep finding houses to "taste" that freedom in...but with a lack of job I can't reach that freedom.

      All that to say, this morning when I was reading the above passage in Luke, it struck me, Jesus didn't want to be that sacrificial Lamb, but He knew it was God's will for His life to be so. I am, in no way, comparing myself to Jesus here; but I do feel I can identify with wanting this "burden", this jobless state and confined living quarters, to be lifted from me. I can take heart is this "human" aspect of my Savior. 

      Then I read the words He said with His very next breath. "Yet I want Your will to be done, not mine." Well crap! That is NOT what I wanted to read, I wanted to read how this prayer changed everything and Jesus no longer had to be the Lamb! Instead I am granted the insight of His life and how He struggles but, in the end, He wants nothing more then His Father's will. 

      How do I get from "TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!" to "Your will and not my own"? That is where I sit today. I sit here thinking "humph, but I really just wanted Him to wave a magic wand and everything would be all better....waaaahhh!" But I know that isn't how ANYTHING works really, but especially not God. I know He gave us free will and that means we have to make our own choices and deal with the repercussions. I find myself looking to Jesus as an example on how to move from one thought process to the other. What was different about Him then other people? I mean besides the obvious no sin thing? I think His pattern of alone time with God, prayer time with God and a group of men to discuss His thoughts with might be a start. I do not have 12 people following me around every day, but I do have an awesome husband who is willing to talk over ideas and thoughts with me; even if those ideas are way outside of the box! I don't really have the ability to go to a mountain and pray by myself, but I do have a bed that is quite and a God willing to listen at all times. I may have a toddler running around me and distractions galore, but that doesn't mean I can't spend time reading the Word or just being quite with God. I need to take those opportunities and run with them.

     When I first moved back home, I neglected all of my "God" routines. I stopped reading my Bible, I only prayed when it was convenient for me and this blog (a huge learning time for me) was all but non existent in my life for a year. Slowly but surely, the Lord has been breaking through my fog, He's been calling and I've started listening to Him. It started with prayer time and crying out to Him, which it still is. I try to start my prayer time with thanksgiving...but most of the time it's just lamenting and whining that comes out of my mouth! And one day, God gently reminded me that both my Nooks and my computer have YouVersion on them, and YouVersion has reading plans built right into the app. So my morning routine of reading the Bible started to show back up. Just like every other time I've restarted reading His Word, my days got better. Now with my blog up and running again I feel like I might just be heading towards the "not my will but His" attitude. 

     Notice I said heading, not arrived? That's right, I'm not there yet; I still want to sit and complain about my situation, instead of even lean towards contentment in it. I have to remember every day that prayer of Jesus's in the garden; NOT MY WILL BUT YOURS, NOT MY WILL BUT YOURS. It has to be a daily chant in my life, both for now and what appears to be forever. Thank you God for being so understanding of my slow progress and for continuing to remind me of the "next steps" in my faith! 

"And now you know...the REST of the story"

     
      John 21: 7 "7Then the disciple Jesus loved said to Peter, “It’s the Lord!” When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put on his tunic (for he had stripped for work), jumped into the water, and headed to shore."

      John 21:15-18 "
15 After breakfast Jesus asked Simon Peter,“Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” Peter replied, “you know I love you.” “Then feed my lambs,” Jesus told him. 16 Jesus repeated the question:“Simon son of John, do you love me?” “Yes, Lord,” Peter said, “you know I love you.” “Then take care of my sheep,” Jesus said. 17 A third time he asked him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt that Jesus asked the question a third time. He said, “Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Then feed my sheep. 18“I tell you the truth, when you were young, you were able to do as you liked; you dressed yourself and went wherever you wanted to go. But when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and others will dress you and take you where you don’t want to go.”

      I have heard several sermon's preached on these passages, wonderful sermon's about forgiveness and mercy. I have enjoyed listening to them and taking them to heart though out my life, but as I sat listening to another sermon on grace and forgiveness from this passage; I felt that "still small voice" talking to my soul. Sometimes I doubt that voice, think it's all in my head; but every once in awhile I feel it and really listen to what it is saying. 

      That voice told me, on this particular day, that there are two stories going on here. The commonly preached one about Peter receiving Jesus's forgiveness after having denied Him three times the night of His death, and a second one that I'd never really thought of before that day.

      As I was listening, it suddenly dawned on me that, in verse 7; once Peter was told that it was the Lord, he was instantly in the water racing to be with him. Those do not sound like the actions of someone who is in need of forgiving, those sound like the actions of someone who's BEEN forgiven. If that's the case, then why did the Lord ask three times (the same number of times Peter denied Him) if he loved Him? As I sat pondering that question that still small voice nudged me and said, maybe I asked him because it wasn't PETER that needed to know he was forgiven, but the other disciples around Peter that knew what he'd done.

      Wait, what? So this story wasn't JUST for Peter, but maybe it was for the others as well? Sometimes that voice can be very frustrating because it will give me an idea and leave me to reach a conclusion on my own. As I was pondering this new idea, I found that it made a lot of sense to me. 

      I've heard several times stories about "mature" Christians making life extremely difficult for those newer to faith, or without that faith at all. I can say that I've even participated in those stories a time or two. How many times have we, as Christians, found fault in our fellow man? How many times have we pointed the finger and said that persons guilt is too big to do this or that? The Bible is full of examples of God using the "under dog" to be the hero of the story, sinners like us. Sometimes I think we just tend to gloss over the fact that those people sinned; or think that since they were in the Bible it's different. Even Jesus hung out with the sinners, saying in Matthew 9: 11-12 "11 But when the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with such scum?” 12 When Jesus heard this, he said, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do.” So is it such a stretch to think that Jesus needed to show all the disciples around Him that not only had He forgiven Peter but that He still stood by His statements recorded earlier in Matthew, chapter 16 verse 18 "18 Now I say to you that you are Peter (which means ‘rock’), and upon this rock I will build my church, and all the powers of hell will not conquer it. "? 

      I grew up in the church, and I have discovered that, at times, this has hindered my growth instead of making it easier for me. I have heard the stories of the Bible told over and over, but have I thought beyond the common applications? I know that I struggle with character stories sometimes, identifying with the "wrong" person; the older son in the Prodigal son story, Martha in the Martha and Mary story, but does this only apply to those stories? Could it be that as I dig deeper into the Word, and live longer in the world that these stories can teach me a different lesson? 

      As a newer Christian, I would need to know that God forgave me; that His mercies are new every day; but as an older Christian; isn't it equally important for me to learn that God forgives others too, that He may use them in a "bigger" way then He'll use me? Even if this person is a "bigger" sinner then me? That is a very tough concept to swallow, but one I need to swallow in order to grow. I need to see that other's mistakes, MY mistakes, can not be big enough to change God's plan for our lives. We ARE forgiven, and He DOES have a plan for us.  

Patience? What's THAT mean?

Romans 8:25 "25 But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently."   

      Patience, what does that mean? Well in the last two years I've discovered one thing for sure: patience means different things in different stages of your life!

my Daddy with Jantz 

       26 months ago I started blogging about my journey in faith. A journey, that at the time, was all about waiting on God's timing in starting a family. Through my time 
writing about faith and patience I learned several lessons and not all of them were "easy" to learn. I learned things about listening (LOTS of things about listening in a few months time period!), I learned things about the joy and pain involved in faith and also the "fulfillment" of waiting on God!

      I got my fulfillment and thought my journey with faith was done, then last July I learned that faith and patience mean something entirely different to me. What happened to make me do a 180, you may ask? My father very suddenly passed away. Suddenly faith meant, HOW am I going to deal with this? HOW am I going to recover? WHAT is my mom going to do now? Basically, for me, faith suddenly became a whole list of questions.     

Jantz at 6 months

      My husband and I decided that to answer as least one of those questions, we were taking the plunge and moving across the country back "home" (for me at least).  So last October, we packed up our house and six month old baby and hit the road. We arrived here and moved in with my mom "for a few weeks", and started our job searches. Well to make a long story short, it was three months later before my husband found a job, and that job paid a LOT less then the one he had before; and I'm STILL looking for something to this day. 

      I've found that I am going through a HUGE bout of depression, and have struggled to find any part of "me" hiding deep down. I went through one of those "dark" periods in my faith; a time where I stopped reading His Word, and felt so out of sync that it was like I was a different person. I wasn't bad enough that I needed medications, just bad enough that I wasn't "me" at that time. I will be completely honest with you and tell you that I am not out of this depression yet; but I am much, MUCH better then I was.

      What was it that helped me turn around? Well, I started reading the Bible again, I started really praying again. I still find it hard to know exactly what to pray for, but I'm praying anyways. I've found that, at times, my prayers are just groans to God and telling Him that I didn't know how to pray. I know from past Bible readings that I'm not the only person who's gone through these tough prayer times, the Apostle Paul wrote about it in Romans (8:26) "26 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words." The Palms are filled with David's laments and, at times, it even feels like he's ready to give up totally. so I know I'm in good company. And I know that I can find a way out. I even know the way out is named Jesus. I just have to learn a new aspect of faith and patience, a new way to trust in God.

      My little "fulfillment" turned one earlier this month and she is a wonderful blessing. She's a walking testament to my growing faith...a faith that need only be as big as a small seed. 

Jantz at her first birthday party