42“Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”
I am sure we've all been there, in a place where we really, REALLY don't want to do something. In that place where it all feels like it's crashing down on us at one time, or in that place we know will be painful. I've been there, in fact, I am there now. Do you know what I want to do? Tuck tail and run! I want to be as far away from this "pain" as possible, but I know that I can't just run from everything that will hurt to learn or go though. I know that somehow this will make me a better person, and maybe even give me insight to help someone else through something in the future. Alas, "knowing" something and actually "doing" something are two very different things aren't they?
I know at times I've read my Bible just looking for an excuse to not do something that I know I'm being lead to do...or a reason why something is happening to me, and not found any answers. I have discovered a lesson in that; you can't make the Bible say what you want it to say when you'd like it to say it. I can honestly say that I've found, in those times, that more often then not I end up finding verses that tell me the opposite of what I'm trying to "hear". I've found that I really need to pray about hearing God's plan's for me; instead of trying to make the Bible fit my plans for me. That is not easy!
In my adult life a pattern has started to develop, a pattern that points towards tendencies to want things done a certain way...you know, MY way! That's not to say that I find other people's way wrong, because if I did, I wouldn't spend near the time on Pintrest looking for new ideas on how to do things that I do! What I am saying is that I like my routines, I like to do the same thing the same way every time. I want everything in it's place (and I really want my husband to want the same thing!) and I want my daily routine to be pretty much the same as it was the day before, and the day before that as well. But two things have happened in my life to mess all that up, first I became a mother and second I moved in with my mom. I have dreamed of this time in my life for years, planned how I'd raise my children and how I wouldn't raise them. Then I actually HAD a child and most of that went out the window!
I've learned a valuable lesson in just 12 short months: Children are individuals who can not just be entered into your routines; they want to develop their own routines! I learned another valuable lesson in six long months: Adults that have lived for several decades can not simply be pushed into my routines either. I love my mom and I love that Jantz's Nanna is so near; but I want my own space again! I want it so bad I can taste it, and worse I keep finding houses to "taste" that freedom in...but with a lack of job I can't reach that freedom.
All that to say, this morning when I was reading the above passage in Luke, it struck me, Jesus didn't want to be that sacrificial Lamb, but He knew it was God's will for His life to be so. I am, in no way, comparing myself to Jesus here; but I do feel I can identify with wanting this "burden", this jobless state and confined living quarters, to be lifted from me. I can take heart is this "human" aspect of my Savior.
Then I read the words He said with His very next breath. "Yet I want Your will to be done, not mine." Well crap! That is NOT what I wanted to read, I wanted to read how this prayer changed everything and Jesus no longer had to be the Lamb! Instead I am granted the insight of His life and how He struggles but, in the end, He wants nothing more then His Father's will.
How do I get from "TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!" to "Your will and not my own"? That is where I sit today. I sit here thinking "humph, but I really just wanted Him to wave a magic wand and everything would be all better....waaaahhh!" But I know that isn't how ANYTHING works really, but especially not God. I know He gave us free will and that means we have to make our own choices and deal with the repercussions. I find myself looking to Jesus as an example on how to move from one thought process to the other. What was different about Him then other people? I mean besides the obvious no sin thing? I think His pattern of alone time with God, prayer time with God and a group of men to discuss His thoughts with might be a start. I do not have 12 people following me around every day, but I do have an awesome husband who is willing to talk over ideas and thoughts with me; even if those ideas are way outside of the box! I don't really have the ability to go to a mountain and pray by myself, but I do have a bed that is quite and a God willing to listen at all times. I may have a toddler running around me and distractions galore, but that doesn't mean I can't spend time reading the Word or just being quite with God. I need to take those opportunities and run with them.
When I first moved back home, I neglected all of my "God" routines. I stopped reading my Bible, I only prayed when it was convenient for me and this blog (a huge learning time for me) was all but non existent in my life for a year. Slowly but surely, the Lord has been breaking through my fog, He's been calling and I've started listening to Him. It started with prayer time and crying out to Him, which it still is. I try to start my prayer time with thanksgiving...but most of the time it's just lamenting and whining that comes out of my mouth! And one day, God gently reminded me that both my Nooks and my computer have YouVersion on them, and YouVersion has reading plans built right into the app. So my morning routine of reading the Bible started to show back up. Just like every other time I've restarted reading His Word, my days got better. Now with my blog up and running again I feel like I might just be heading towards the "not my will but His" attitude.
Notice I said heading, not arrived? That's right, I'm not there yet; I still want to sit and complain about my situation, instead of even lean towards contentment in it. I have to remember every day that prayer of Jesus's in the garden; NOT MY WILL BUT YOURS, NOT MY WILL BUT YOURS. It has to be a daily chant in my life, both for now and what appears to be forever. Thank you God for being so understanding of my slow progress and for continuing to remind me of the "next steps" in my faith!
No comments:
Post a Comment